I turn eighteen tomorrow – it’s less than seven hours. Have I really been alive for this long?
I cannot.. I just.. asdfghjkl. I wish I could go to bed, and when I wake up everything will be okay again.
Opening Credits: Godsmack – Faceless
Waking Up: Evanescence – Lose Control
First Day At School: James Dooley – Empire
Falling In Love: AC/DC – Whole Lotta Rosie
Fight Song: Metallica – Loverman
Breaking Up: Self Esteem – The Offspring
Life’s OK: In Flames – Trigger
Getting Back Together: Dream Theater – Scarred
Wedding: Band Of Skulls – Friends
Birth of Child: Howard Shore – Jacob’s Theme
Final Battle: Limp Bizkit – My Way
Death Scene: Metallica – Fade To Black (YEEEEEEES, JUST WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR!!! I love you, iPod!)
Funeral Song: Metallica – Orion
End Credits: Metallica – The God That Failed
No, that’s not why. I know that it’s considered a ‘norm’ and ‘normal’ to want to die because you are not accepted, because you have no one, and no one cares, but…
it is NOT so for everyone.
I am happy for you if you believe in the things you posted about depression and suicide. But here’s how I see it - not me, not anyone around me (family, friends, classmates, co-workers)…no one can make my life “happy” or better. The things that make my life hell, and the things that depress me the most are things that can’t be changed. (I don’t care about having friends or family. I care about how fucked up the world is and such. So I always feel horrible when I see posts like that.
I want to cry every time I read a post like that. Because I’m not even human enough to want to die because of “humanly” reasons, reasons that even the doctors believe are the ones that are the reasons. That’s also part of the reasons I see no use of seeing therapists, doctors… because seeing them I feel even worse. I feel like a sociopath. As I fit the ‘norms’, the ‘labels’. I don’t feel or care. About any of the things humans do. I care about the world, but not about relationships. I understand it’s my problem, not anyone elses, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. The doctors think I actually care, and actually want what they believe I want, and am like this because of something from the past. But if you take away the genetics, and such, there is no such reason. I do not wish to think I’m a psychopath that I don’t care about any of that.
To me: it is not important if you care about anyone or if anyone cares about you. As a person. me, you, everyone… as people are unimportant. This whole world and societal norms, and the way this world is made up —- it is all unimportant in my opinion. And I am well aware how people see this statement. Sure, they can say they understand me, or that no feelings or views are wrong, but in reality I am labeled automatically a sociopath. Just because my views on life and world are so rare, no ones is willing to let me have them. No, this is not about them accepting me or my views - it’s about me not having the ‘right’to think this way.
But for those who care - if the people around them do not have the courage to be there for them, and help before they leave this world, then in my opinion they should feel guilty.
The reason why I haven’t gone yet, is partly me being a coward, and partly not wanting anything left behind. On the times I’ve been close, I’ve cleaned up my work place, and done as much as possible to leave as little as possible to do to others. I never wanted to leave debts behind, and people left cleaning up my place, or arrange for funeral, or anything - yes, I have thought about everything! - that’s a crazy reason for not doing it. I am basically living only because I don’t want to leave a burden to others. But who cares? Really? I could die in an accident, anyone could. And people have to then arrange things. It is in my opinion absolutely selfish from the people around a suicidal person to claim that they care, and how can the person do that to them. In all honesty - if they do care, then they would be there. If they don’t (if they have problems of their own, if they don’t knwo how to help), then they won’t in the future either.
To me that’s logical.
And I am sorry, but to say that things will get better in this world… is clearly not looking at the facts. his world is so fuc*ed. Personally am not okay with the capitalist world. It sickens me to no end. I am not willing to be a part of the capitalist world, when I know that me having options means that someone esle doesn’t. I am not okay with that. I will never be. And with thsi no doctors, no people around me can’t help. So why can’t I go? Why do I have to feel guilty and cry and feel bad about killing myself — only that the people left behind wouldn’t cry?
I have clearly stated in my letters that it’s none of their “fault”- it’s nothing they could have ever done. What kind of a helpful person tells a suicidal person that they can’t end their pain or their discomfort because it would be painful to the people left behind? What? I ask.
This week’s climax — I was going to hang out with a friend today — has been cancelled. I’m disappointed. And sad.
My computer crashed yesterday, so don’t expect me to be much on Tumblr. I’ll use my brother’s computer whenever I can, I promise :3
My new life starts today. Hopefully, I can do this.